Post Tour/Concert Depression

[EriKon]

Let's talk about post tour/project/concert depression. I'll start with a current example of mine as a freelance musician:

I've had a super busy February, with lots of very interesting, partly new projects and very little rest. Some of those involved traveling and staying in other cities. I just had three days with no "job-dates" in my calendar for that month.

In March I'm mostly back in my home town and playing musical shows, which is kind of my "day-job" and also having some more time to rest now.

While February was a lot of fun with everything going on, it was also very intense and straining, so that I was looking forward to be back at home and just play shows, sleeping in my own bed. But being back home now and just having played some shows on the weekend, I feel kind of depressed and unsettling although everything is alright with me personally and I'm in a very comfortable and privileged situation. In addition, my inner voice is telling me to work more when I have a day of rest and everyone else is doing a lot more or more interesting stuff than I do, although I know this is not or only half of the truth. And I know social media adds to that as well, so I try to not open those too often.

While writing those thoughts down, I think these are two different pair of shoes, with one being the "post tour depression" and the other one being the urge of comparing yourself. But maybe those are related? Who knows...

How are your experiences with post tour depression? Does it happen to you? How do you feel if it happens? Does it happen (too) often? And most importantly, what helps you to overcome those feelings?

[LeTromboniste]

Oh yeah definitely happens a lot. Don't underestimate the mere physical reality of it. When on tour or very intense projects, we typically suffer at least some degree (sometimes quite severe) of sleep deprivation, while spending a lot more energy than usual, and we are intellectually and emotionally overstimulated. We have increased levels of a number of hormones (I would think notably dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin). So to some extent, we're on a self-induced drug high. When we return home, we get a crash, with those hormones coming back down and the fatigue hitting at the same time.

I think it's easy (and normal) for it to make us feel somewhat down and apathetic, and then our deeply internalized pressure as freelancer to keep hustling kicks in and adds guilt on top of it (which in the end is always counterproductive because the guilt just makes you feel more down and makes it harder to get back on the saddle).

Some of the things that help me is trying to exercise while away on these projects, as physical activity helps regulate hormone levels, and trying to maintain a sleep discipline. I will say that typically fail at both of those things. Then there's also trying to break the cycle of guilt associated with the hustle culture. It's okay to take days off, it's okay to have days where you're not as productive as you hoped, wanted or even needed.

[Digidog]

This used to happen ever so often to me after periods of work that were immersive and exhausting, while also stimulating and developing. I have had to develop methods for not getting stuck in the "bi-polar" on-and-off lifestyle that easily can develop with project working musicians.

My remedy for this, is to have shut down all my social media accounts, use my phone and computer as little as possible, physical training and consuming art and culture - it all sounds pretentious, but it works. Nothing better than a morning pass at the gym, reading, going to the cinema (movies at home do not work the same for me) or the theatre, or spending some time at museums.

I learned the hard way to ease down after periods of much and/or intensively fun work, and I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

[harrisonreed]

Yes. I went from doing tours and concerts around Japan, a tour across Mongolia, a tour in Palau, and working with people from all over the world for four years to ... not doing those things for the last two years.

Different from being a freelancer, for sure, but yes, I know your feeling.

[Burgerbob]

I made a video about this a while back, after an especially fun musical had ended.

[hornbuilder]

I had a similar experience a while ago after playing Strauss Ein Alpensymphonie with the Milwaukee Symphony. I prepared for several months for those few performances, carefully working on my chops to ensure that everything would be up to snuff. Then once the shows were done, it was like "oh well, that's done". Really quite a let down.

[Kdanielsen]

I never realized that the fallout from overstimulation was what was going on with that. It's less of an issue for me know, but I remember when I was a kid I would get so depressed for the rest of the evening after a performance (or even rehearsals). Lots of quiet drives home with my parents. Thanks! We are all in this together.

[tbdana]

After reading this thread and watching all 9:06 of Aidan's video, I think I have a slightly different experience (as usual, since I always seem to be odd person out around here).

I've never suffered post-tour depression, because despite having done road work for several years, I never liked being on the road. Living out of a suitcase in a different city every day is hard. I was glad whenever a tour ended and I could be home. I felt nothing but relief when getting off the road.

But there have been times when I've finished some project or run and felt a little empty for a short time. That has only been times when I didn't have anything planned or anything new to look forward to. Finishing a run or something and having nothing concrete on my plate could be depressing when I was counting on gigs to keep a roof over my head. But usually by the time something like that is finished I'm ready for it to be over.

I actually feel kind of the opposite. I get a sort of post-gig euphoria, where the hard work for a period of time is over and I can forget all that and just kind of float on a cloud of achievement and enjoyment and reminiscence. I love that bit!

Also, for me, the very nature of freelancing where you're constantly doing different things mitigates against any post-gig depression, because there's always something new to look forward to.

[EriKon]

After reading this thread and watching all 9:06 of Aidan's video, I think I have a slightly different experience (as usual, since I always seem to be odd person out around here).

I've never suffered post-tour depression, because despite having done road work for several years, I never liked being on the road. Living out of a suitcase in a different city every day is hard. I was glad whenever a tour ended and I could be home. I felt nothing but relief when getting off the road.

But there have been times when I've finished some project or run and felt a little empty for a short time. That has only been times when I didn't have anything planned or anything new to look forward to. Finishing a run or something and having nothing concrete on my plate could be depressing when I was counting on gigs to keep a roof over my head. But usually by the time something like that is finished I'm ready for it to be over.

I actually feel kind of the opposite. I get a sort of post-gig euphoria, where the hard work for a period of time is over and I can forget all that and just kind of float on a cloud of achievement and enjoyment and reminiscence. I love that bit!

Also, for me, the very nature of freelancing where you're constantly doing different things mitigates against any post-gig depression, because there's always something new to look forward to.

Very interesting to read! The "funny" thing about that depression: it is a bit like a placebo. Even if you know that there is no reason for that to have and there are other interesting things coming up not too far away, it can still hit you with an effect. That's my experience at least.

And it's interesting because I can totally relate with living out of suitcases not being enjoyable at all. However, I still won't get out of my head after such intense periods for a while. Although I have a fairly comfortable situation with earning enough money for a nice place to live and having enough to eat/drink. For me it still hits every now and then because on paper I'm a freelancer. But the reality is that I have some musical gigs that I play on a very regular basis without being contracted as a principal. Those are still fun and I'm happy to do them, but they're mostly not challenging anymore after you played them a few hundred times and they feel more like going to work in a factory actually. So, once you had a month with many interesting projects and concerts, such as my February, and then you get back to your "factory job", that you still try to do as best as you can of course, it can certainly lead to that kind of depression, I think.

And I'm pretty sure that social media nowadays adds a ton to that, because it shows you an image of everyone being super busy and playing creative concerts and great projects. But that's because no one shows you the days and phases when you're off and don't have much to do. And in addition just very few people talk about this kind of mental health issues that our job as freelancing musicians can intensify.

[Doug Elliott]

Absolutely happens to me. But I've always tried to look at the manic-depressive aspect as a positive. When I first started freelancing I enjoyed the balance between heavy work times and "no work" times when I could take a break and go skiing or whatever. Now it's busy with gigs or busy with writing charts or busy with teaching or busy with mouthpieces, or that depression time between them.

[WilliamLang]

I remember being so happy after gigs while freelancing, but never feeling like I could share that with anyone else. Eventually, it just drained out, which was sad. With the touring it never felt as bad to come home, there is usually one another coming up within the month.

[Schultz]

How are your experiences with post tour depression? Does it happen to you? How do you feel if it happens? Does it happen (too) often? And most importantly, what helps you to overcome those feelings?

And it's interesting because I can totally relate with living out of suitcases not being enjoyable at all. However, I still won't get out of my head after such intense periods for a while. Although I have a fairly comfortable situation with earning enough money for a nice place to live and having enough to eat/drink. For me it still hits every now and then because on paper I'm a freelancer. But the reality is that I have some musical gigs that I play on a very regular basis without being contracted as a principal. Those are still fun and I'm happy to do them, but they're mostly not challenging anymore after you played them a few hundred times and they feel more like going to work in a factory actually. So, once you had a month with many interesting projects and concerts, such as my February, and then you get back to your "factory job", that you still try to do as best as you can of course, it can certainly lead to that kind of depression, I think.

And I'm pretty sure that social media nowadays adds a ton to that, because it shows you an image of everyone being super busy and playing creative concerts and great projects. But that's because no one shows you the days and phases when you're off and don't have much to do. And in addition just very few people talk about this kind of mental health issues that our job as freelancing musicians can intensify.

So then imagine what the "factory job" is like when you ARE the chair holder in a long running show.
I know what you mean though because I was in your position for many years before I got the job in Hamburg so I can totally relate.

The factory job is actually really a luxurious position to be in, both as a principal and as a sub. It's the gig you have when you don't have gigs...and the subs at least always have the ability to say no, and in your case know that that won't affect if you get called or not anymore. But you ask what helps overcome these feelings...What helps me get through these small bouts of depression is realising how lucky I am that I can make a living just playing the horn, and I have a steady gig, and the relative freedom to do the other things that interest me. No steady gig is ever interesting 100% of the time, regardless of if it's in a symphony orchestra or a big band.

(I'm not suggesting that you're not appreciative or grateful of your position, because you acknowledge how privileged you are) , and I'm not saying, don't be depressed by the end of a great gig or tour, but then focus on your actual situation. There's no stress about when or if the next gig will be, there are choices, And you can focus on the projects you want to do, rather than just take something you don't want for the money. And we are also lucky in our neck of the woods to have such a variety of shows to play on. They are all completely different and demand different skills, and most of them have trombone books. And remember you're pretty much the first call sub for all of them! Life is good!! You're a great player who is in high demand! You CAN do it all...and when it suits you! This could be a good thing to focus on when feeling down.

And social media is never helpful....everyone seems to be doing these amazing exciting gigs, and always the feeling of..."why wasn't I asked to do that"...but then sometimes the great creative projects make no money, or are only 2x a year. The grass is always greener mentality. This is the one I struggle more with. I don't feel i get the chance to do anything much creative anymore....but then, thats a bit of the trade off.

..now go do my job while I'm on holiday

[Fidbone]

I always enjoy getting back home to my family and friends these days.
I only feel the depression when the diary is near to empty and I wonder where my next wage will come from.

[EriKon]

How are your experiences with post tour depression? Does it happen to you? How do you feel if it happens? Does it happen (too) often? And most importantly, what helps you to overcome those feelings?

And it's interesting because I can totally relate with living out of suitcases not being enjoyable at all. However, I still won't get out of my head after such intense periods for a while. Although I have a fairly comfortable situation with earning enough money for a nice place to live and having enough to eat/drink. For me it still hits every now and then because on paper I'm a freelancer. But the reality is that I have some musical gigs that I play on a very regular basis without being contracted as a principal. Those are still fun and I'm happy to do them, but they're mostly not challenging anymore after you played them a few hundred times and they feel more like going to work in a factory actually. So, once you had a month with many interesting projects and concerts, such as my February, and then you get back to your "factory job", that you still try to do as best as you can of course, it can certainly lead to that kind of depression, I think.

And I'm pretty sure that social media nowadays adds a ton to that, because it shows you an image of everyone being super busy and playing creative concerts and great projects. But that's because no one shows you the days and phases when you're off and don't have much to do. And in addition just very few people talk about this kind of mental health issues that our job as freelancing musicians can intensify.

So then imagine what the "factory job" is like when you ARE the chair holder in a long running show.
I know what you mean though because I was in your position for many years before I got the job in Hamburg so I can totally relate.

The factory job is actually really a luxurious position to be in, both as a principal and as a sub. It's the gig you have when you don't have gigs...and the subs at least always have the ability to say no, and in your case know that that won't affect if you get called or not anymore. But you ask what helps overcome these feelings...What helps me get through these small bouts of depression is realising how lucky I am that I can make a living just playing the horn, and I have a steady gig, and the relative freedom to do the other things that interest me. No steady gig is ever interesting 100% of the time, regardless of if it's in a symphony orchestra or a big band.

(I'm not suggesting that you're not appreciative or grateful of your position, because you acknowledge how privileged you are) , and I'm not saying, don't be depressed by the end of a great gig or tour, but then focus on your actual situation. There's no stress about when or if the next gig will be, there are choices, And you can focus on the projects you want to do, rather than just take something you don't want for the money. And we are also lucky in our neck of the woods to have such a variety of shows to play on. They are all completely different and demand different skills, and most of them have trombone books. And remember you're pretty much the first call sub for all of them! Life is good!! You're a great player who is in high demand! You CAN do it all...and when it suits you! This could be a good thing to focus on when feeling down.

And social media is never helpful....everyone seems to be doing these amazing exciting gigs, and always the feeling of..."why wasn't I asked to do that"...but then sometimes the great creative projects make no money, or are only 2x a year. The grass is always greener mentality. This is the one I struggle more with. I don't feel i get the chance to do anything much creative anymore....but then, thats a bit of the trade off.

..now go do my job while I'm on holiday

Haha, thanks man! Nicely put and a lot to take away from and think about! Thanks for your words of encouragement as well! Hopefully we'll be playing a show together again at some point and can talk about such things in person!

Now, enjoy your holiday while I'm doing your and basically everyone else's jobs