Why we do hard things

[VJOFan]

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/03/27/opi ... =url-share

The linked NYT column is a meditation on how people get hooked into the things that fill their lives with meaning, but require perseverance and tolerance of struggle to do.

[tbdana]

Sounds interesting, but unfortunately that link is behind a paywall so I couldn't read it. NYT has a feature that allows you to share a certain number of articles without the paywall interfering. I'd sure like to read it. I'm one of those people who likes to do hard things.

[JTeagarden]

Great article, even if it goes on and on …

I have the utmost respect for someone who wants to do things at a high level, who takes pride in what they do, i feel a kindred spirit in them; and admire their craft, whatever it might be, showing that things matter to them.

[dbwhitaker]

Gift link to the article: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/03/27/opin ... =url-share

[VJOFan]

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/03/27/opin ... ticleShare

This link may work better.

[tbdana]

Fascinating article! It spoke to a weird part of me that I don't understand. I've never achieved greatness at anything, but I've often been driven to achieve more than I needed to.

I've been struggling with why to practice and improve when there are no rewards available to me for doing so. Yet at almost 70, I have an inexplicable desire to push myself, to continue to get better. Why can't I just play for fun like all my peers? What's wrong with me?

It has always been this way for me.

I'm the first person in my family to ever graduate from high school. Huge achievement. But then I went and got a bachelors degree. Then a masters. Then a juris doctor. And I've continued to go to school. I'm enrolled in school right now, in fact.

My friend and I learned to scuba dive. She dove and had a great time doing it. But I had to keep going. I got my advanced certification, then rescue diver, Nitrox and other specialities, then Divemaster, Open Water Scuba Instructor, Emergency First Responder Instructor, Etc.

When I turned 40 I was a getting little heavy, so I decided to lose weight by running. I had never run before, having suffered exercise-induced asthma from childhood. But I learned to run and ran 21 marathons. Then I studied to become an exercise physiologist and developed a "couch to marathon" program, trained bored housewives to run marathons, and took them to marathons all over the world.

I still don't understand what drives me to do that kind of thing. It's crazy-making.

Just last night I was ruminating on why I'm still so disappointed in myself as a trombonist, and what I need to do to improve, and what it will take to get there, and whether it's worth it.

But there is something appealing about achieving the impossible. About doing difficult things, not in spite of the difficulty, but because of the difficulty.

I think the root of it is wanting to be worthy. Growing up different, in a loveless family and a society that disapproved of people that are different, I've been working my whole life to prove to myself that I deserve to be here, to breathe the same air as you, to walk the same streets as you. And just as I was never able to become worthy of my parents' love, I am still striving to be worthy to walk the earth with the rest of you. And currently, musically, to be worthy of playing with you, to get your approval, to earn your love. I still have so far to go.

Well, crap, I guess I'd better go practice, then, huh?

[VJOFan]

The notion that people get good at things not by continuously experiencing rapture and joy and fun, but by feeling it worthwhile to continue with "X" even though there is tedium, discomfort or even outright pain, is what spoke to me. There have been threads on this forum on occasion discussing motivation to practice. Those who will get to a high level don't think that way exactly, I guess. They may wake up some days and feel it to be a little like work to take out the horn, but that only invites effort to push through. The deep why that sparked the need to approach mastery of a thing insists on continued work. The joy comes, but is not expected as a constant motivator.

Reading the article made me remember exactly the spark for my musical journey. When I was in about grade 3 or 4 the junior high school band from across the field came to play a concert. I immediately wanted to be one of those kids wearing a bright orange blazer, looking confident and proud. It didn't hurt that I had two siblings in the band too. As I bounced slightly to rhythms of the music I was already seeing myself sitting in their ranks. That sense that being a musician was something important and to be proud of has never left me.

[stewbones43]

I've been struggling with why to practice and improve when there are no rewards available to me for doing so. Yet at almost 70, I have an inexplicable desire to push myself, to continue to get better. Why can't I just play for fun like all my peers? What's wrong with me?

Simple answer; You want more fun than your peers and you get that by setting your target a bit higher than you need to.
And why change the way you do things just because you are "almost 70". I am 81 (check my signature at the bottom of the post) and am still pushing myself as hard as when I was in my teens and early 20s. I'm still breathing so I can still play my trombones.

Cheers

Stewbones43

[Kbiggs]

Thank you for the interesting read.

A slight tangent, but it reminds me of something I read a while ago from an interview with Charles Vernon. When asked about his swimming regimen, and why he continued to swim, he said, “I do it so I can keep doing it!”